From the hole in my heart
I am writing to you from the hole in my heart. This hole is not literal, even though it feels like it is. I swear if you gave me a diagram of the human heart I could show you exactly where it takes up space. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and even though it's a holiday that I don't necessarily view as a "big" holiday, it triggered me immensely. The over stimulation of love really made me feel the absence of my Mom. I did not have the capacity to accept or reciprocate, let alone celebrate, the love that was surrounding me. I could only feel the hole that the loss of my first love left behind. Just thinking of the word love caused me to feel pain and anger. Many people in the grieving space say that grief is the result of having loved and I can't say that I disagree with that, but I feel that it just doesn't quite cover it. Grief to me is the space you're in when you are trying, so desperately, to reconnect and continue the love that was physically disconnected from you. It's a weird space where you have to bind your once mortal love into a love that is immortal; an eternal love. It's coming to terms with a love that only YOU can give and receive from the person you lost. It's finding the love in the memories and imprints that person left behind. Grief is spending your life finding and connecting to those imprints. There are more than we know exist and they come out when they need to be seen and felt. Those imprints are what keeps them alive in us. It's hard to see them in the beginning of your post loss life, which is what I feel I'm experiencing now, but that's okay. Sometimes feeling and experiencing loss is all you have the capacity for. The love will always be there and it's ready to be felt when you are. The holes don't shrink, but your heart will continue to expand.
Through this pain I love you so much,